This might seem like an odd topic to write about on a blog that’s ostensibly professional, but it’s about an important part of who I am and what drives me.

I feel very nervous writing about it, in fact. Which is probably a sign that I should write about it.

A classmate of mine recently asked me when I came out, and my response, “oh, a year or two ago,” prompted a surprised response.

I actually came out to my friends as genderqueer before I came out as bi. In school, I am more willing to discuss my sexuality than my questions/understanding of gender. This realization led me to the understanding of how complex these contexts are, and as I develop friendships within my cohort these contexts grow closer together and overlap in uncomfortable ways.

This post is going to talk about sexuality more than gender. I think my feelings about gender and my identity are complex enough topics to deserve their own space.

Wait, You Came Out in Your Forties?

When you’re a bi woman, I think, and especially if your attraction to men and women (catering to the binary for the sake of simplicity) is roughly equal, it’s easy to believe that you’re straight. And this is what happened to me. As an artsy kid, I rationalized that female beauty that struck me dumb was an artistic appreciation. That the women that I wanted to fawn over in my life were simply people I deeply admired.

It wasn’t until age 40-41 that I started to recognize deeply gay feelings I was having for what they were.

I attribute this to my existing in a circle of friends in which queerness and same-sex attraction is very normalized. It suddenly seemed not so strange that I would see a woman in a midriff baring shirt and kinda want to squeeze her belly. That I would want to kiss a woman’s shoulders. It was no longer something I could pass off as artistic, as platonic admiration.

I went home and said to my roommate: “I’ve been having some very gay thoughts today.”

She leaned forward and said, “tell me more.”

And I did.

I really benefited from having someone to talk to about it in a non-judgmental way, someone with whom I could verbalize what I’d been feeling and sort of get things untangled.

A few days, maybe a week later, I came out as bi on Facebook.

Why Bi?

I identify as bisexual probably because I’m older, and it feels more comfortable to me. The bi identity is often accused of being binary and transphobic, but it means that I am attracted to genders the same as mine (homosexual) and those different than mine (heterosexual).

People say that “pansexual” is an identity better fitting this definition, but I don’t know, it just sounds so modern and wishy-washy to me, so I don’t use it.

Since coming out, I have felt a great deal more attraction to women than to men, and I’m not sure if it’s a case of waking up in a beautiful garden and wanting to smell all the flowers, or if it’s a genuine reflection of my orientation. Either way, I don’t know that it matters. I don’t think I’m a lesbian. I’m absolutely for sure not straight.

I think I might be done dating men. This is not a reflection of my orientation; I still find some men attractive. I’m just so tired of dating men and all the bullshit that comes with it, and statistically cis straight men are just not good in bed. This squares with my experience with sex with cis straight men. So why put in the effort if the sex is bad and the relationship fraught with societal issues around gender?

I also don’t know about dating women? This new (it’s not new, but more on that later) attraction is kind of scary. The thought of learning how to have sex all over again at age 41 is intimidating and women are beautiful and scary. But if I were to date, if I were to even eventually marry, I would prefer it be with a woman or non-binary person rather than a cis man.

See how complicated this gets?

How Could You Not Know?

Well, there were signs, right? I should have known.

Those girls and women that I felt compelled to make meticulously handcrafted gifts for, those were people I had crushes on. The teachers and professors that I worked so desperately to please, I found them beautiful. My often lackluster attraction to my male lovers, that was a sign, too.

The fact that I would make out with women whenever I was drunk and had a willing accomplice, that was a sign too.

But the fact is, since I was sexually attracted to men, and since I grew up in a time when “gay” was the worst thing you could be, it was a matter of internalized homophobia causing me to ignore those feelings, to rationalize them away, to be what I should be: a straight woman who has sex with men.

I had an advantage in this sense. I avoided harm that came to my contemporaries as a consequence of their sexual orientation. I lived as a straight person for most of my life, and I consider this a form of privilege, because I lived out of reach of the violence and hatred that was visited upon gay people during my youth.

But I also feel as though I gave up the opportunity to acknowledge and explore this part of me, and as a result, may have missed out on important, life changing relationships. I missed out on part of who I am. And I feel that loss now that I’m out. I feel it almost every day.

Why is This Important?

I mean, it’s personally important, right? Let’s not just take that for granted. But lots of things that are personally important to me don’t make it on to this blog.

As a marketer, I consider myself a cultural worker. As a writer, I am most definitely a cultural worker. And my identities and how they intersect absolutely impact my work in cultural spaces. That includes both writing and marketing. That doesn’t mean I can only market in queer spaces, but it does mean that I have an ability that straight people may not have to understand some of the ways messaging impacts queer communities (the LGBTQ space is very diverse and I by no means speak for or to all of the many communities covered under this umbrella).

It also means that I’m more likely to write in ways that include non-straight, non-cis people. This has cropped up in my fiction especially, where even before my late revelation, I had taken to writing queer and gender non-conforming characters. And that’s something that’s going to continue.

This is valuable, because as our culture is (slowly) becoming more accepting to diverse orientations and identities, we’re going to see more people like me; more people who were safe living as cis straight people and could reasonably pull it off coming out, and fewer teens and young adults who feel the need to hide their identities even from themselves to be safe.

The world is not getting straighter and more binary, in short. The internet age reduces information asymmetry and speeds social change. And writers and marketers will need effective ways to address those changes.

Aside from being personally significant, my orientation and my identity are a way to address marketing in a queering world.

I don’t know if any of this made sense, or if any of it is accidentally offensive. If you have comments, feel free to post them.

I try not to make resolutions.

There’s a cultural notion surrounding New Year’s resolutions that is zero sum, make or break, succeed or fail, and if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll understand that failure is something I’m passionate about. In short, failure is not the opposite of success, but a part of the process of success. And when we make success a zero sum situation, we’re guaranteeing that we won’t succeed. Because that’s how that works.

I don’t like setting myself up to not succeed.

That having been said, I do like the idea of taking time to reflect on the past year, to think about what you want for the new year, and looking for ways to make that happen. For me, this often translates to setting goals for the new year.

I like goals. Because in a way you can’t not succeed at them. You set a time to check in, and if you haven’t reached your goal, you can evaluate what you’ve been doing and look for ways to get there more effectively. But if you work toward it, you’ll get there eventually.

Okay, you can miss goals, but for me the main way to make sure that will happen is to focus on what you haven’t done and fail to celebrate what you have done. Living and learning are iterative processes; you try things. They work or don’t work. You evaluate your results. You try something new. You make changes. You go again.

So with that in mind, here are some goals I want to achieve in 2020:

Learn PHP and JavaScript.

Good lord. I should have done this twenty years ago. I tried to do this twenty years ago, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Thankfully, now there are better tools for accomplishing this kind of thing. These languages are vital to a webdev these days, and while I’m not planning on going into web development, they’re useful for a digital marketer to know, even if it’s just for purposes of understanding what’s going on on a website you’re looking at.

This is going to be a difficult goal to measure, because what I want is an understanding of how the two languages work, specifically on websites. So I’ll say this; I want to complete the free curricula on Codecademy for both JavaScript and PHP before the end of 2020.

This leads into my next goal:

Create a WordPress Theme.

I want to create my own WordPress theme from scratch, even if it’s bad. WordPress is estimated to power as much as 30% of the web, so for any professional working in digital communications, it’s worth understanding. Not just that, but I remember fondly how personally satisfying I found web design back in the Web 1.0 days, and I’d like to get back into some of that. Plus, I want my own websites, which function at least in part as a kind of resume in my field, to demonstrate that I understand these concepts. I may not use my homemade theme (or at least my first one) on my own website, but understanding the way WordPress works inside and out will help me make tweaks to my own websites, making them both more personal and more professionally appealing than a free canned WP theme.

This one will be pretty easy to measure in that I’ll have a WordPress theme, but difficult because I have to define what that means. I want to create a WordPress theme that supports blogging (of course), and that works on both mobile and desktop browsers. I want to finish it by the end of the year, and I want it to have unique visual elements (not just Hello World on a white background).

Finish my MBA.

Okay so this one might seem like a no-brainer, but we’ve already had someone drop out of the cohort and we’re only two quarters in. The goal is to complete my MBA on schedule with the rest of my cohort by the end of summer quarter, 2020. It will require a lot of hard work and discipline, but I think it’s probably the most important of my 2020 goals.

Study SEO.

You might notice that this says “study” instead of “learn.” Well, that’s because I’m not really sure you can ever learn SEO. The field changes so fast that it’s not something you’re ever done learning. But it’s a vital skill in my field, and it actually wasn’t taught in any comprehensive way during undergrad and it won’t be taught in any comprehensive way in the MBA program, so I’m going to have to learn it myself.

I’m lucky, I have a good friend in the industry who can at least recommend resources for this, but I’m going to have to do the bulk of the work.

This is going to include reading some guides from well-known and well-respected SEO and digital marketing resources, as well as following news in the field for regular updates to best practices.

So this is another hard one to measure, but I’ll say I want to learn basics of SEO that can be applied to my own websites, and I want to become conversant with the basics of keyword research so that I can know which words are most useful to optimize for. I’m focusing on organic search (SEO vs SEM), because I think that’s the field that’s easiest to see big results in, and because if your SEO ain’t working, your SEM isn’t going to do much. Also it will be cheaper to experiment with my own website and see the results myself.

So that’s what I’ve got going on for 2020. What goals do you have for the new year?

“The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality of happiness, and by no means a necessity of life.”

-George Bernard Shaw

There’s been a lot of talk about happiness in the last decade, and it doesn’t look like that talk is going to stop any time soon. Everyone is looking for a silver bullet, a panacea, a way to ensure happiness, and not least among those searchers is employers.

I began to become skeptical of this search during the mindfulness craze of oh, was it the 2000s? I mean, there’s tons of research (almost entirely positive) on mindfulness and its benefits, including in the workplace. My own therapist insisted that I begin a regimen of mindfulness meditation (that lasted about six months and I’m honestly proud of myself, that’s way longer than I stuck with “gratitude journaling”) to help combat stress, anxiety, and depression. And when I say that I’m skeptical, I’m not skeptical of mindfulness itself, I’ve read a lot about it and it’s clear that it has benefits. I’m skeptical of employers pushing mindfulness as a cure-all.

What brought all this up today? I was going through Twitter and found this. You don’t really need to bother reading it too much, it’s probably the addiest ad I’ve ever seen on Entrepreneur.com. It’s basically a marketing piece for a kind of technology to reduce stress, increase happiness, and improve brain function. Maybe it works. I don’t know. But that’s not really the point.

Stress Has a Purpose

According to the American Institute of Stress, the term stress was coined in 1936 and refers to the “non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” If there’s a tiger in the bushes over there? Stress. If you have a big exam next week? Stress. The causes of stress can in fact be very individual, depending on a single person’s background and context. But tigers and exams result in very similar reactions in the brain and body. This includes the release of adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol; also known as stress hormones.

The purpose of these hormones is to give us the ability to enact the change that this stress response is demanding, whether that’s running from a tiger or staying up late to prepare for an exam.

Adrenaline gives you a surge of energy, and is responsible for that heart-pounding, amped up feeling you get from an immediate stressor, like avoiding an accident on the highway. Norepinephrine makes you feel more awake, more aware, more focused. Cortisol is perhaps the most famous of the stress hormones in all of this discussion of happiness in the workplace, because cortisol takes longer to be released in the face of a stressor, and it remains in your system longer. In fact, under chronic stress, you can end up with your body continuously releasing cortisol, with effects that can be disastrous.

Cortisol in periods of acute stress can regulate non-crucial body functions, such as reproductive drive, the immune system, digestion, etc, and redirect those energies to enact whatever change is needed. If we suppress those functions chronically, the result is increased illness due to reduced immunity, increased blood pressure (and sugar; this ties into my thoughts about the “obesity epidemic,” but that’s a different post), and can contribute to obesity.

Basically, too much cortisol can make us very sick, reduce our happiness and our productivity.

But stress has a purpose. Stress tells us that something has to change. Stress tells us to run away from the tiger, or that we need more money, or that we need better health insurance, or that we are in an untenable social situation at work. Some of those things we can change. Some we can’t. And that’s where my skepticism creeps in.

Your Employer Wants You to be Happy

Your boss wants you to be happy. The company wants you to be happy. Which is great and makes a lot of sense. Happier people are more productive. They take fewer sick days. They’re more creative. But what are your employers willing to do for the sake of your happiness?

This is the real question for me. Is your employer willing to pay you a living wage? Are they willing to give you the time off you need to remain emotionally balanced and functional? Are they willing to give you the medical benefits you need to not have to worry about medical bills? In the bigger picture, are they lobbying against government policy that would mandate those things?

Instead, are they pushing mindfulness, gratitude, or offering free massages as a band-aid on the problem they themselves are at least partially responsible for causing?

Pigs and Chickens

I have a metaphor that I use to think about modern happiness and stress in the workplace.

Factory farming.

Factory farming, every sort that involves animals, depends on packing those animals in as close together as possible. That packing allows them to produce more milk eggs and meat for less money, improving the bottom line. But there’s a problem; packing those animals in causes stress.

In chickens, this causes the birds to peck at one another, maiming and sometimes killing one another in the process. There’s an easy but expensive solution to this; simply give the birds enough room. Instead of doing that, we have a cheaper way. We cut their beaks off. It’s called “debeaking.

Similarly, pigs react to being overcrowded by biting off each other’s tails and ears, again sometimes resulting in the death of the animal. Additionally some of our modern production stock carries a gene that makes it more susceptible to stress. Not only that, but stress in pigs results in inferior meat.

The solution, of course, is not to provide these animals with sufficient space and stimulation to avoid stress, but to genetically engineer the stress out of them.

The Cult of Positive Thinking

So we have ended up in a place in which happiness is believed to be a choice. Gratitude journaling, positive thinking, mindfulness, and fancy technological wearables all promise us the possibility of being happy if we simply choose happiness. This mindset is used to lecture and shame everyone from the office griper to people with genuine mental illness.

But nobody is happy all the time, and sometimes unhappiness is warranted. Sometimes unhappiness is the pressure that gets us out of a bad situation. Sometimes unhappiness is what helps us realize that the situation is bad in the first place.

Your employer wants you to be happy. They want you to be productive. They bring in a mindfulness instructor to teach you to be aware of the here and the now and to ignore distractions, like the fact that you’re overworked and underpaid, like the fact that your family is hanging by a thread that could be cut by the next medical emergency. Like (for some of us) whether you will be able to feed your family for the next week. Like the fact that your manager is racist, sexist, or homophobic.

Being mindful will make you more happy.

But it won’t fix the real problems that could be triggering your stress response.

I set a goal over summer break to read something related to either marketing or management every day. The purpose was twofold: first, to keep my head in topics related to my MBA curriculum, and second, to give myself the feeling of having spent some time every day working at something valuable. I missed a day here and there, but all in all I consider it a huge success. I learned a lot, and felt more motivated during this time than in any other time in recent memory. Here are some of the lessons.

Pick Your Topics First.

Before you do something, you need to make a plan. Know what you’re doing, be smart about it.

I decided before reading a single thing that I would focus on materials related to marketing and management. Marketing because that’s my field of choice, and management because management skills are always relevant, in any business discipline, even in personal relationships.

Begin to build sources for this material. I used a Twitter aggregator to pull tweets from some marketing and management accounts (found by simply googling “best marketing twitter accounts” or adding accounts for websites that I already read regularly, like Entrepreneur or Inc). Make sure your sources are pretty reliable and providers of good relevant content. I had to remove a few accounts due to their spamming of boring listicles. I also used my LinkedIn feed to pick up articles to read.

The goal was to amass more articles than I could read so I could have my pick. I chose two articles per day to read. I tried to go for depth of content over breadth, and tried to make sure I read articles covering different topics each day.

I also included related topics. An article on leadership may not be about management, but it’s related and useful. I also included social media and content development as related subjects on my marketing feed. This allowed me to draw connections between these subjects, such as thinking about how leadership or interpersonal theory can be applied to management situations.

Pick Up A Pen.

I read with a pen in my hand and my journal in front of me. I took rapid logging style notes, taking down facts and figures, drawing quick connections to real world situations, pulling out relevant lessons (or “learnables,” as some in the business space might say).

For me, this was vital to the success of the experiment. It required me to remain engaged with the material to the end, it forced me to decide what would be memorialized in my journal from this piece, and required an honest evaluation of the material.

You might think this is cumbersome, that it would take too long, or even that it would distract you from reading, but I would urge you to at least try it. It’s worth taking the extra time. We’re awash in content these days and spend a lot of time reading through it with half our attention, and absorbing it passively without active engagement and evaluation of the material. Going “back to school,” as it were, and taking notes, is a way to re-engage the parts of your brain that are responsible for learning. And we must learn every day to remain relevant and agile.

Read With an Open Yet Critical Mind.

This may seem contradictory at first, but it’s vital.

I tried to come up with a statement starting with “but” or “also” for the main points of each article. I didn’t necessarily write these statements down, but just coming up with them ensured that I was engaging with the material.

Read things you don’t agree with and pretend that you do. Read things you agree with and pretend that you don’t. You’re not required to change your mind on a subject (I usually didn’t) but it allows you to think critically and pick up things you might be missing because of pre-existing biases.

Take Note of What Inspires You.

By “take note,” I mean actual physical notes. This can be useful from a practical standpoint if you have a social media or blogging schedule that you need to fill up (like I do), but it’s also useful from a professional/personal development point of view. Writing something down helps with retention, because you’re engaging different parts of your brain than you do when you’re only reading. Having the physical notes of what inspires you is handy to have around, whether it’s in a journal (like mine) or in a list format.

What inspires you may not be what you agree with. Sometimes it will be, but sometimes you’ll read something that you disagree with strongly enough that it will inspire you to do something different. This is also an important lesson.

It will help you pinpoint what you find motivating, what defines meaning for you in life and in your work. It can help you build a plan for future career moves, and identify interests that you have that you might not have known about previously.

Keep those notes. Revisit them. Scratch out what’s no longer applicable. Add to it. Modify it.

Limit How Much You Read in a Session.

The more you read, the less you’re able to engage with the material. The law of diminishing returns applies. Anyone who’s had to read from college text books knows this; at some point your mind starts to go numb, and you keep scanning your eyes across the page just to get through what you’ve been assigned.

Stopping after you’ve reached your limit gives you an opportunity to digest what you’ve read, store away what you’ve learned. I especially like to take a short nap after a reading session for this reason.

You can set a limit of time (thirty minutes, for example), or do what I did and read a set amount of material. For me it was specifically two articles, but had I been reading a book it would have been a set amount of pages or chapters. I chose articles because the information in the business field changes before a book on the subject can even be published, and because they’re short and easily digestible, but books are totally a good resource and many books in many fields end up being evergreen.

Once you’ve reached your limit, stop.

You can experiment with this, figure out when you start getting fatigued and have difficulty paying attention, and adjust accordingly. I suspect the ideal amount varies between people.

My Takeaways.

I don’t know if I’ll continue doing this throughout the school year, mainly because I may end up not having time between coursework and my graduate assistant workload. If I stop, it won’t be because I didn’t enjoy it. It was the single most motivating change I made during break, and it has made my life and my outlook brighter.

It kept me engaged with topics that I’m passionate about, and helped me stay on top of recent trends in my industry. And I like to think that it made me a more interesting conversationalist.

Time spent learning, whether it’s in a formal setting or an informal one, is never wasted. To retain vitality, we must always stay curious.

Read on, my friends.

Are you exhausted by blog posts about bullet journaling yet? How about Instagram posts, or YouTube videos?

Well buckle up, because I got something to say about bullet journals.

Full disclosure, I maintain a bullet journal (I will never use “BuJo” unironically because it sounds like a code for blowjobs to me) and have done so off and on for years now.

If you’ve stumbled upon this post and are wondering what a bullet journal is, it is, in short, a combination planner and journal maintained in a blank notebook. It is fully customizable, and was inspired by a system created by Ryder Carroll, featured in the video below:

Ryder says that his inspiration for creating the bullet journal system was to manage his life as a person with ADHD. As a result, it’s very useful for organizing and planning, replacing dozens of scraps of paper and post-it notes that might otherwise take over one’s desk, purse, pocket, or wallet.

A huge following sprang up surrounding the bullet journal system, and it evolved, taking on a life of its own that far outstripped Ryder’s original system.

Now, I’m not here to tell anyone what’s right or wrong, and even Ryder says there’s no wrong way to bullet journal; that’s the beauty of the system. It can be whatever the user needs it to be. It is infinitely customizable, adjustable, and modifiable. I mean, it’s a blank notebook, right?

The system that Ryder initially envisioned was a series of notes each day that could be migrated; ideas, additions to standing lists, things like that would go to what he called Collections. Tasks and appointments and events would be migrated to the days that they were to be attended or accomplished. So each day was a running list, and each day could be closed out when the items were migrated. Very helpful for ADHD and anxiety sufferers.

If you look up bullet journal or BuJo on Instagram or YouTube today, you will find people creating complicated, intricate spreads with hand lettering and artwork, trackers and systems, that really bear little resemblance to Ryder’s original system.

Initially I became enthralled with this content and put a lot of effort into creating Instagrammable spreads in my journals. I worked hard on it, particularly putting a couple of hours in at the beginning of each month to “set up” the journal. I was excited about this new project.

But after a several months of this, a problem raised its head. I wasn’t using the journal. My intricate spreads were blank, abandoned. This was for a few reasons.

It was too complicated.

The system I had pieced together was too unwieldy for me to whip out the journal and note something down. My “dailies” became nothing more than to do lists, and I tried to flip to the collections pages to make notes because the space pre-allocated for daily entries in my complicated system was not sufficient for little notes, ideas, etc. As a result, I would lose things. The ideas I was sure I would remember until I had a chance to sit down and page through the book flew out of my head before I got to my bus stop.

It was too stressful.

The pressure of creating new, fresh spreads that I could post soon shut me down completely. The worry that I would ruin something I’d spent hours creating kept me from using the spreads I had created. Then, with the trackers, they existed as a reminder of things I had failed to do, a record of my personal shame.

I started looking for answers.

Of course, I started looking within the online bullet journal community. I tried all kinds of keywords, minimalist, simple, etc. Even the “minimalist” bullet journal content was too complicated for what I needed.

Just as a note, the bullet journal community online has become intensely gendered. On the feminine side are intricate, artistic, complicated spreads. On the masculine side are bearded online media bros who celebrate the bullet journal as the ultimate tool for productivity and rationality and structure, all the while sneering at “female” bullet journal spreads. I’ve been trying hard to find content in this space that breaks out of this binary and have been frustrated at basically every turn.

So I went back to Ryder’s original system. I made a couple of tweaks, such as including monthly calendars (they help me know which dates fall on what days of the week for future planning), and I included a habit tracker, not for compliance, but for tracking mental health. And I started using the journal as Ryder originally intended; a list of notes and ideas, rather than as a fancy to do list. I also developed some personal rules for bullet journal maintenance.

My bullet journal rules.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not telling anyone else what to do. If you find planner peace with complicated spreads, do it. These rules are for me

1. No Rulers.

A lot of people use rulers or straight-edges to set up. Hell, even Ryder does in the video above. But I really need perfection to not be a part of this process at all, so forgoing rulers helps me understand that this is a messy, spur of the moment process, and that perfection is not the goal. This helps with the anxiety I feel about using the journal.

2. No Boxes.

The heart of these complicated systems are boxes. Boxes for your days, boxes for your weeks, boxes for notes, boxes for to do lists. Boxes ended up constraining my use of the journal, editing what was important enough to include and what wasn’t, resulting again in my losing information.

Okay, I still use some boxes, for tracking things that only require a checkmark or something, but for daily pages, no boxes. I don’t care if a day takes up two pages. In fact, I would be pretty delighted if one did, because it probably means I did a lot of brain work that day.

3. Migrate at the End of the Day.

Everything goes on the daily list of notes. Everything. At the end of the day, appointments and tasks get marked off or migrated to collections, etc. That closes out my day. Nothing left un-dealt-with to keep me up at night. Everything has a plan or a place as appropriate. And it prevents me putting off writing something down until I can flip through to the right place, resulting in better capture of information.

4. No White Out.

I’m a creative worker, as a writer, and messiness is important to that process. Failure is a part of creativity, and allowing those mistakes to remain on the page allows me, perhaps counter-intuitively, to accept that. I may scribble them out and write the correction next to them, but no white out, no hiding mistakes. Only acceptance of my flawed self.

The result of following these rules is a messy, minimally decorated (I knew I would need to be able to work in my journal with just what I could carry in my purse), and honest reflection of my life, and looking back through it has made me feel good, helped me remember things, and encouraged me to consume media (books, movies, YouTube videos, articles) that I had noted down and then promptly forgot. I’ve captured more ideas, whether good or bad, than I had before. It has been a success.

And I couldn’t be happier.

“There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period.”

-Brene Brown

I am what my therapist would call “risk averse.” It’s one of the top priorities in my personal life, becoming inured to my fear of failure. Even small failures (dinner is too salty, I dropped something down the bathroom sink drain, etc.) can throw my entire day into chaos. But the thing is, I’ve been trained to be this way. And I think a lot of us have.

Volumes have been written about the value of failure, but the authors of these pieces never seem to be the type that have to worry about not making rent because they were canned for a failure at work.

In fact, as the personal development and productivity gurus of modern work culture tell us we must fail to learn and grow, American work culture remains intensely punitive toward failure. The end result of this is that development through failure is a privilege reserved for those who are financially comfortable enough to afford it.

I cannot count the number of jobs I’ve held where I’ve lived in terror that a single mistake would result in my dismissal. Jobs that are highly specialized but low skill are particularly bad about this, because management has limited the amount of training that they need to do to hire a new employee, so workers are all interchangeable and replaceable. Low skill jobs are always in demand, so this results in situations in which management maintains records of work failures for the express purpose of being able to dismiss an employee at will. Even if you’re not subject to this kind of dismissal, it results in a culture of fear and perfectionism.

At the same time, we’re told that employers want creative workers, innovation, and people who think outside the box. The fact is, the way we handle work cultures for most employees (this means not those on Google or Amazon campuses) actively discourages creativity and innovation.

This is often (but not always) a result of firm size; the bigger a firm gets, and the more levels of hierarchy between top management and front line employees, the more layers of people to worry about failure, and the more punitively those people will behave toward those who report to them. Top management has little influence on culture at the bottom of the organizational structure, because there are too many layers of hierarchy between them and the front line employees, and the culture moving down the hierarchy changes; like a game of telephone.

The result is that creativity (and, necessarily, failure) remain a privilege for those who are the least vulnerable. Which seems really backwards to me, because it’s the employees that are the newest to an organization that are most capable of thinking outside the box, because they have the ability to view the structures and processes from the outside, being less entrenched in them. And while, yes, some new employees enter into upper management, most of them take entry-level positions. Positions that are the most vulnerable in the event of failure.

And here’s the thing; as much as our employers would like us to be perfect, failure is inevitable. It’s not if; it’s when. And work culture denies us that humanity.

This was a problem for me at my most recent job. I was working as a temporary mail clerk, and every time I made a mistake I sank into a morass of anxiety, terrified I would lose my job. This reaction was due to the way work cultures at prior jobs had impacted me; job after job in which I knew that a single mistake could easily result in termination. Grace was never a guarantee. As a result, I attempted to hide or outright lie about mistakes I’d made that I couldn’t fix on my own.

Fortunately my direct supervisor at that job wasn’t as interested in the mistake as she was in my fixing it and learning from it, and by the time I left that position she regarded me as one of the most competent to hold it. She offered grace, and the opportunity to learn and grow. And honestly, those mistakes were the things that helped me learn the most about the position, to the point that when I was training my replacement, I knew exactly what mistakes to let my trainee make, and which ones to intervene in, because the mistakes would give me an opportunity to train her further.

Certainly, if someone is not performing acceptably at their job, it’s time for intervention. Sadly, for many of these positions, it is cheaper in terms of resources (time, money, effort, reputation) to simply dismiss an employee and hire another one than to regard an error as a training opportunity.

As much as many companies claim to value their front line employees, they certainly don’t act like they do.

These kinds of dismissals carry even more risk, because a termination on one’s record can reduce the chances of them occupying future positions.

If we really cared about having capable, skilled workers in these positions, we would approach failure with a bit of grace, because failure is not just inevitable; it is how we learn, it is how we grow, and it is how we progress. Not just as people, but as organizations and as societies.